Romancing your Husband


I have the theory that men want romance, just as much as women. I think its only defined differently. At least that’s what I understand while I quietly study my husband Pablo.  What does he find romantic?

I know that the answer is not showering him with gifts, or a sparkling clean bathroom. Those things speak to his heart as an electric drill speaks to mine on my birthday. But that does not mean they have no need for romance.

After all, you do not have to be a female to realize that someone is happy with you, or someone has connected with you. Romancing someone is to capture their affection by speaking in a language that touches them. It is to “see” inside that person and openly show that what you saw is lovely. I do not think there’s a manly man in this world who does not wish this even to some degree. So . . . How to make a man fall in love? Obviously, all men are different, but at the risk of being wrong, I will make three generalizations that I think will be true for most men.

Listen to him

You have to listen to your husband, even when is boring. This is critical. Women always complain that men do not talk, but I think what we really mean is that they do not talk about the things we want to talk about. Ask him about something that is interesting to him, and I guarantee that he will say something. . . you probably disconnected two minutes ago LOL.

I read somewhere online about the wife of a teacher talking about the importance of listening to a man. She made this frightening statement. She said: “When we do not actively listen to our husbands, we teach them not to talk to us.” Yikes! In my experience, I love talking with my husband, we always have something to talk about, we call each other best friend all the time because that is what best friends do, you talk about everything and all the time.

Listening touches the heart. It is an opportunity to actively practice Philippians 2: 4: “Let each of you look not only for your own interests but also for the interests of others.” In other words, listen to him too!  I am willing to listen to all the features of the new Ludwig Black Beauty Snare because my husband and I are forming a partnership investment. We are building intimacy that says “I care about you, I care to know what you’re thinking I’m interested in having a relationship with you…”

Listening is also the first step towards romance because it allows you to think as he thinks. Maybe he talks a lot about an LP Tambora in particular, so this Valentine’s Day (because you were actively listening), rather than surprising him with a special meal, surprise him with his brand new Tambora :). Marriage is a partnership, you want to know more about your partner? then talk with them about them too, as women we tend to take over the talking, slow down, and let him talk about him and what interests him too.

Meet his needs generously

Female relationships are very complex because most of our needs are internal. We not only want flowers, but we also want them to connect with us emotionally. However, I think that most men see the external actions as a way to connect within. Listening to the way they boast-is almost always based on the action.

Meeting basic needs, greatly minister to men, more than we think.

Look at my friend Ben, for example. He is a resident of pediatric neurosurgery, who sleeps very little. You know what he is proud of?  The whole house could be a disaster, but his wife always has a clean bed with fresh linens just for him after working thirty-six hours straight. I once heard a famous Pastor bragging about how his wife prepares his favorite breakfast every Sunday morning before his preaching. Meeting basic needs greatly minister to men more than we realize. I bet that is more romantic for them to meet their basic needs than keeping him up all night talking about our feelings.

That is part of how we become the helpmate God wants us to be for our husbands too.

We talked about two basic needs, sleep, and food. Maybe you’re thinking of something I did not mention. Let me say, yes, I think it is important too! Do not just meet his needs, do it with generosity. Freely. Happily. Do I need another adverb? With impatience. With enthusiasm. We went to a couples conference in April, hosted by our church, New Vision Church, where we learned about how that special time translates into worship. So yes, it is very important to be connected in flesh and in spirit, knowing that you’re actually chasing his heart.

Respect him

Because of Ephesians 5 and other Christian books, I knew one thing loud and clear before marrying Pablo: He craves my respect. Moreover, respecting my husband is a biblical mandate (Eph 5:33). Okay, but what am I supposed to do?  you may ask, maybe you don’t really understand how to “achieve” that mandate. Do you say nice things? Do you tell him that he’s manly? Sometimes I think that it would be awesome to have a secret manual “Ten simple steps to make your husband feel respected” so we could go check them.

The funny thing about respect is that it is easier to identify in the absence of its presence. In other words, disrespecting my husband is what finally taught me the nature of respect. It is not only an action; it is an attitude of the heart. I would lay awake at night wondering how I could show my respect for Pablo, and I respected him in my heart. But the longer we were married, the more I saw his flaws, and started being disrespectful. Which brings me to the biggest lesson I’ve ever learned in relation to respect: Like faith, true respect is demonstrated through fire.

Honestly, what would really make him feel loved is if you submit and respect him. Often times, we see things differently as women, we have that motherly instinct of knowing when something could go wrong, and we want to make sure they do what we tell them to do. In todays society, you are taught as a woman to be strong and not need a man for anything, making your own decisions,  and it is a beautiful thing to be strong,  but again going into marriage you might think like, I’m not to sure about Submission.. that sounds crazy…Like Im gonna be a slave or something…I only submit to Jesus… Wrong.

Having to learn and grow how submitting to my husband doesn’t devalue me, doesn’t make me less than him, doesn’t make me anything that is below him, but understanding  my value as a woman and what I bring into the relationship, how we are lifting eachother, propelling towards purpose, and learning that when we talk about things and make a decision together is the best thing that can ever happen. knowing that he is MY husband and before I make a decision on anything I want to know what he thinks about it, because I love him and I respect him.

You also have to understand that your husband is your Pastor and the head of your household,  and feel comfortable respecting his decisions too. I heard Pastor Tony Evans talk about being a Kingdom woman, and often those words come to mind in the middle of a fight, when I’m so angry I’m ready to go for the jugular and say something devastatingly disrespectful. I think it’s at that time when respect is needed Dera! All the birthday gifts in the world can not speak as strongly as the time when I’m angry and I choose to respect him anyway. Remember that the time that you least want to respect him, is your best opportunity to show that respect.

Final thoughts

I like to write about things that I feel are preaching to me, being brave, being thoughtful, loving my husband. . . These are things that I find very important, and part of the reason I write about these things is because I want to grow in these areas. But the problem of online publications, is that it gives the impression that I am strong in these areas. I do not want you to think that, especially since I do not want to go to bed at night feeling like a phony. And I do not want readers to become discouraged and think, “she has everything under control and I don’t”.

What a load of nonsense! Let me say it again, these are the things that I struggle with. If I wanted to write about the things that I’m good with, then I would write about makeup.

So when you think about loving your husband, remember the words of Christ to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12: 9: “And he said to me, My grace is sufficient; because my power is perfected in weakness. ”

We serve an infinitely good and merciful God, the One who is capable of doing much more than we could ask or imagine (. Eph 3:20). Making a sinner like me, saved by grace, and turning me into a new person. I assure you that our God will never surrender. There is no marriage that God can not save, restore and bless.




10 thoughts on “Romancing your Husband

  1. Amalfi Eguren says:

    Dera, thank you soooo much for taking time and write such a wonderful and helpful article. God bless you and keep being a Kingdom woman!

    Liked by 1 person

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